Skip to main content

Guest post: The Cyclotwistorator!

[This is an onion-style piece from my dad.]

Dateline June 24, 2011. Washington, DC. Reports that climate scientists have been apprehended igniting cataclysmic forests fires in 14 states have been difficult to confirm. “ Many of these science types are actually quite clever,” said Senator James Inhofe, chief the upper chamber’s climate change deniers. “They’ll be up in Minot breaching dikes in the morning and lighting a 60,000 acre wildland fire in Florida the afternoon. Senator John Kyl noted that he a personally chased off a suspicious person dressed in a lab coat and carrying a test tube when he went to see if his cabin had been consumed by the fire that has blackened 900 square miles of Arizona and continues to burn. Sarah Palin’s blog reported that climate scientists have discovered a way to cause the formation of class 5 tornadoes by use of a top-secret “cyclotwistorator” device that is about the size of a toaster. The machine was accidently plugged in at a top-secret climate scientist’s breakfast in Vermont this year and devastated much of the city of Burlington.

Reports from various sources of climate scientists whipping up terrific dust storms in the West have been validated by the unprecedented number of the events taking place in recent years. It is also probably no coincidence that the graph of the average temperature of atmosphere closely mimics the graph of the number of climate scientist world wide. “There’s no way you can ignore the relationship,” said Inhofe. “The explosion in the population of climate scientists is melting glaciers, drowning polar bears and killing coral reefs, which were once the nurseries of the sea. The facts are plain.” In Inhofe’s view, the idea that human activities may be causing earth’s climate to change is preposterous. “The earth was created for us. For us to replenish. I’m unclear on who plenished it in the first place, but its climate will always be ‘just right’ for incubating humans,” Inhofe said. “All climate-change realists argue backwards from this certainty. There may not be a stick left to burn in Arizona, or ice an cube in the Arctic. There may be half a billion starving Bangladeshis at my front door and the gulf Mexico lapping at my back (Mr. Inhofe is from Oklahoma) and I’ll still know what I know: this global climate change fraud is the biggest hoax ever perpetrated on the American public.”

The atmosphere and climate of our planet do seem to be in an exquisite balance between the near absolute zero of interstellar space and the 11,000 degree F of the surface of the sun. Climate scientists warn that the equilibrium is fragile and sensitive and point to evidence that the planet Mars seems to have once had free surface water but whose ancient oceans boiled off after a change in surface temperature of only a few degrees. Climate change deniers attribute Martian aridity to the rise of Islamic militancy on that planet and subsequent revocation of divine favor. “The purpose of humanity is to praise God, who discovered late in the game that the mollusks, crustaceans and ungulates he had been cranking out were ill suited for praise singing. It was either create a world for us or teach starfish to croon. The best way to maintain our balmy weather is stay in good graces with the supreme being, “Inhofe said. He suggested cutting funding for Planned Parenthood and the Women and Infant Care program as a way to avoid having the oceans boil.

While the refusal admit any human-caused alteration of the climate has become a matter of Republican orthodoxy, with former believers reversing their positions as fast as they can manage without anyone noticing, the issue seems to have fallen off the table for the Obama administration as well. “Our focus is jobs, jobs, jobs,” a spokesman said. “Climate change may be the biggest, toughest and most important question facing the nation and the world but we just don’t have the time, money or inclination to save the planet right now."

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Why Did Reality Winner Leak to the Intercept?

So Reality Winner, former NSA contractor, is in federal prison for leaking classified information — for five years and three months, the longest sentence of any whistleblower in history. She gave documents on how Russia had attempted to hack vendors of election machinery and software to The Intercept , which completely bungled basic security procedures (according to a recent New York Times piece from Ben Smith, the main fault lay with Matthew Cole and Richard Esposito ), leading to her capture within hours. Winner recently contracted COVID-19 in prison, and is reportedly suffering some lingering aftereffects. Glenn Greenwald has been furiously denying that he had anything at all to do with the Winner clusterfuck, and I recently got in an argument with him about it on Twitter. I read a New York story about Winner, which clearly implies that she was listening to the Intercepted podcast of March 22, 2017 , where Greenwald and Jeremy Scahill expressed skepticism about Russia actually b

On Refusing to Vote for Bloomberg

Billionaire Mike Bloomberg is attempting to buy the Democratic nomination. With something like $400 million in personal spending so far, that much is clear — and it appears to be working at least somewhat well, as he is nearing second place in national polls. I would guess that he will quickly into diminishing returns, but on the other hand spending on this level is totally unprecedented. At this burn rate he could easily spend more than the entire 2016 presidential election cost both parties before the primary is over. I published a piece today outlining why I would not vote for Bloomberg against Trump (I would vote for Sanders, Warren, Buttigieg, Klobuchar, or Biden), even though I live in a swing state. This got a lot of "vote blue no matter who" people riled up . They scolded me and demanded that I pre-commit to voting for Bloomberg should he win the nomination. The argument as I understand it is to try to make it as likely as possible that whatever Democrat wins t

Varanus albigularis albigularis

That is the Latin name for the white-throated monitor lizard , a large reptile native to southern Africa that can grow up to two meters long (see pictures of one at the Oakland Zoo here ). In Setswana, it's called a "gopane." I saw one of these in my village yesterday on the way back from my run. Some kids from school found it in the riverbed and tortured it to death, stabbing out its eyes, cutting off its tail, and gutting it which finally killed it. It seemed to be a female as there were a bunch of round white things I can only imagine were eggs amongst the guts. I only arrived after it was already dead, but they described what had happened with much hilarity and re-enactment. When I asked why they killed it, they said it was because it would eat their chickens and eggs, which is probably true, and because it sucks blood from people, which is completely ridiculous. It might bite a person, but not unless threatened. It seems roughly the same as killing wolves tha